bloobarden

whiter shade of pale

2007-07-21T09:17:29Z

Oh man.

All the dogs in my nieghborhood are going crazy.

I went to Starbucks tonight and I brought two of my latest works with me to show Dan.
He loved the one of my face, just white and blue.
The other one is of Adam's face, just black and red.

I had them laying out on the pavement while we talked, and anyone who walked by commented on it, and were then amazed that I had painted it.
I don't know why, I don't think it is that great.
It is pretty simple, but I am proud of the fact that I did it freehand.
Anyway, this beautiful man walks over to me and tells me how great it is.
He left, but came back, and asked me for my name.
He was telling me how he does street art, and we talked about that for awhile.
He thinks I am "pretty," "cute," and "adorable."

His friend came over to us, and he introduced himself.
He wanted both pieces, especially the blue and white one, but I told them that I need to photograph them first, and I am like a mom with her babies; I can't let them leave the nest just yet.

People kept telling me that it was great, that I am great, and I was happy.
I felt good about my work, and myself.

I met quite a few people tonight, and had a good conversation with the majority of them.

And I'm thinking about the one that didn't call.

blue

2007-07-04T04:37:43Z

random memory.

I was maybe 10 or 11, shortly after I moved here.
Mom and Dad took me and Lisa to a beach in Monterey, that was really nothing but rocks and tide pools.
Oh, but they had a plan.

We carefully climbed the rocks as the ocean sprayed our faces and clothes.
Tide pools rested in crevices between and in the rocks, each teeming with life.
Dad bent down, and pointed out the periwinkles, starfish, and sea anemones.
He had gently removed small starfish, asking Lisa and I to pet them,
He would laugh when we would loudly giggle, entertained by the texture and shape.
He made sure we did not touch anything he could not identify and would not let us remove anything from the pools.
He would say: "No honey, let them be with their families."

Between the tide pool viewing, Mom stopped to show us a smooth, matte, green object.
She told us that this was beach glass.
She explained, while picking up more glass in green, white, and brown, that the ocean and sand rub the glass so smooth, it is okay to touch.
When moving from pool to pool, Lisa and I would fill our pockets with this smooth, colored glass.
Mom would tell us that each one we found was prettier than the next, and told us that we should find as much as we can, and she'll show us a trick when we get home.
Lisa and I could not fit anymore in our pockets, so Dad took off his shoes and socks, giving us his socks to put the glass in.
Haha, when he did that, even Mom giggled, leading us to a simultaneous "Ewwwww!"

We decided to head back to the car, climbing again over the rocks.
We checked out each passing tide pool, and collected more glass along the way.
As we got back to the car, I saw something blue in a little patch of sand.
It was a big, blue piece of beach glass.
I ran to show Mom, and she told me, with her arm around my shoulders, that while the other glass is beautiful, the blue is a rare beauty that stands out from the rest.
She told me never to lose it, for blue glass is hard to find.

We got home as the sun started to set.
Mom took me in the backyard, handed me Dad's sock full of glass, and held out an empty jar.
We carefully put the beach glass inside of the jar, while she told me that when she was little, she used to comb the beaches collecting the glass.
She said how her and Mimi (what I called my late grandmother) would fill jars of glass, add water, and put it on the window sill.
While she filled the jar full of water from the hose, I asked her, "why? What happens?"
Mom closed the lid on the jar, and held it up to the light of the setting sun.
Suddenly, reflected in her glasses, across her face, neck, and chest, spilling onto the concrete beneath our bare feet, was a collage of color.
Bursting from this little jar were incredible rays of light that simply amazed me.
There was no way to miss what I saw.
Low in the jar, between white and green glass, standing out so bright and beautiful was the one piece of blue glass.
From inside, we could hear Lisa and Dad.
Mom handed the jar to me, smiled and said, "Now, see how pretty that is?"

And it was.
It all was.

quandary!

2007-06-30T19:11:03Z

People are quitting, and honestly, I would love to quit.

American Apparel is hiring in San Francisco, Santa Cruz, and I don't know about the new one coming in.
They are also hiring in Los Angeles for HQ.

I wonder if I should just forget American Apparel and stay with my current company.
Or stay until they've hired more people for our store.
Or hop on the Quitting Band Wagon.
Or not worry about everyone else and do something for myself...

...like pack up and move to LA and work in a corporate environment.
Or drive to Santa Cruz every day to manage a store.

Not like I'd get hired.

You know that when you apply online to work in an American Apparel store, you have to send three photos of yourself?

omitting the truth is still lying

2007-06-30T05:29:54Z

I am such a baby.
I really am, trust me.

I am not saying that I want my sister to chose between me and her friend,
but her support would be nice.
And not dancing up on my ex boyfriend would be killer, too.

It's funny how neither one can tell me.
Instead, I have to see photos on fucking myspace.
She is sitting in his lap, or in some weird dancing/grinding train with him.
But that was last year, when we first broke up.
At that point I was upset, only because she knew what he put me through.
She would see me crying all the time, she would hear what he would say to me, and yet it's okay to be his best friend?

I told you I was a baby.

I told her that I didn't care, but I'm upset when they try and hide it.
"Don't tell Pam."
I also told her that when I saw what Chris put her through, I told him that he cannot treat my sister that way and I stopped being his friend.
Claire was not friends with Mark when he dumped Andrea after treating her like shit.
And Andrea ripped Todd a new one when he got in Claire's face and they broke up.
Claire and Andrea think it is weird that Lisa and Eden are such close friends now.

When I told Eden that it kind of bothered me, he ran and told Lisa.

Her argument was "I knew him before you did."
You met him once before I met him. Don't even.

Tonight. Oh, tonight.

Eden and I have been good lately.
We've been talking every day, I see him often, it's been nice.
And I asked him what he was doing tonight and he got...antsy.
He kept saying he was going out with friends from work.
"The guys."

I asked Lisa what she was doing tonight.
She got...quiet.
"Going out dancing."

And then she's on the phone giggling about some 18 and up club.
And when I asked her who it was, she said, "you already know..."

Guess. Please?

I started laughing, telling her that I don't know why they have to hide it.
Probably because they both know me and now I am sitting alone in my room upset, writing a journal entry.

I wish I knew why this upset me so much.
Drives me to near tears.
Maybe because I am so jealous of my sister.

The best way to describe this feeling is: betrayal.

I told you I was a baby.

I just think it's funny that they have to omit the truth.
Which is still lying, my friend.

Trying to hide it doesn't make me feel any better.

Oh, and here is a sad little side note. I've said it before, but now it will be put into writing:
I was blessed with three sisters, and I don't know any of them.

bare feet

2007-06-20T03:07:15Z

Yay to the rack-straightening races after closing.
Boo to my CLEAN car (yeah, it was clean for a brief moment in time), now being piled full of crap people left in the store.

Yay to it being donated.
Boo to it going to Goodwill where they will resell it at ridiculous prices.

Yay to me considering The Compact again.
Boo to me having to redo those paintings.
and boo to me still thinking about the paintings.

Yay to bare feet. :)

vomit?

2007-06-19T07:46:59Z

Okay okay okay okay okay.

I had a little freak out.

I think I am good now.

I think I will show her the painting, telling her it is a demo?
a prototype?
a complete and utter mistake that makes me feel ill?

I meant to do it on STRETCHED canvas.

I think I am afraid to do it again because the second one could look worse than the first.

Why on Earth would she want a yellow and red Eiffel Tower?

Why the HELL would I buy this type of canvas?
Probably because I wasn't expecting to give any away.

Which now means that I have to repaint the one of Kevin's face.

Mom said that I can frame them.
But I feel like that is so pretentious of me.
Hi, here is my art that I had FRAMED.

Boo.

I have a blue nail brush that looks like an elephant

2007-06-19T07:33:56Z

I'm not afraid of computers taking over the world. They're just sitting there. I can hit them with a two-by-four.
-Thom Yorke.

I painted something....blah.
I can't find the word to describe it.

When Mom saw it, she gasped.
I just thought: "Okay Ma, that's too much."
She knows I've been down lately and I think she was trying to make me happy.
Which makes me happy that she was trying.

I was looking back on some things I have written.
God, I was good.
I miss my typewriter. I named her Bertha. She is in the garage being lonely and unused.
I don't understand this mental block I have had lately.
I have NEVER had a problem just sitting down and creating something.
As of late, it has been difficult to do anything that I feel isn't complete crap.

I feel useless and talentless.
Which is a horrible feeling.
Talking to Mom about this, she told me that one day, I will find my talent.
She then made it perfectly clear that I do have talents.
...and to each one I had an argument.

What I do requires little to no talent and/or imagination.

What a LOVELY little pity party!

Tomorrow, I will write an extremely OPTIMISTIC entry.

Maybe.

I just want to be impressive. I just want to impress ONE person with something, anything.

Before I go to sleep, I will leave on a positive note:
The painting that I started today is for my manager.
She wants something to hang on her wall as you walk into the kitchen.

Oh fuck.

I just realized that I did it on the WRONG SIZE AND TYPE OF CANVAS.
Well now I just want to cry.

don't read me, i'm boring.

2007-06-11T09:39:03Z

I worked all day today, and I am tired.
I am looking forward to work tomorrow.

Today was a good day.
I saw a few people today that I haven't seen in awhile.
Jen came in to work today, bought some stuff.
Eden was at the movies and met me at Starbucks after the show.
As I'm walking up to Starbucks, I hear a man's voice say: "Ignore me, why don'tcha?" Patrick.
After Eden and I got our drinks, Jen comes walking in wearing that spiffy outfit she bought.
We went over to where she was hanging out, and I saw Josh, Heather, and Kevin.
It was very nice.

However.
Ooh, yeah.

It was good to see Eden.
I'm glad that we can be friends and all, but I'm not entirely sure it is a good idea.
I mean, we work better as friends; our romantic relationship is volatile.
The only problem that we need to work out is that the lingering physical attraction.
Hey, after five years, you can't just turn it off.
He kissed me.
I karate chopped him.
It was all in fun.
What scared me a bit, was that I liked it.
I told him so, and he didn't kiss me again.
Which is kind of sad.
Honestly, I'm more attracted to him as a friend.
Which is more sad.

OH!
I talked to Tony today!
We haven't talked to, or have seen each other in awhile; a few months at least.
We were talking about the girl he is madly in love with, and the guy / relationship / crazy stalker / shit in my life.
Which is actually pretty funny, because my guy / relationship / crazy stalker / shit in my life all happened around the SAME TIME.
No joke.
Anyway, I told him that if this girl is stupid and can't see what a wonderful guy he is, then it is her loss.
If some guy can't see what a catch I truly am, then it is their loss.
He agreed.
Complimented me quite a bit.
Jokingly, I asked him what his problem was then (side note: we liked each other on and off through and since high school).
He said that he can't be with some one if their religious views vary from his.
While I consider myself Catholic, I am more spiritual than religious.
He has an inverted cross hanging from his rear view mirror.
At least he did the last time I was in his car.

Yes.
I believe in God.
And Jesus Christ.
And the Holy Mother, Mary.
And Heaven.
And Hell.

I guess this would pose a problem with an Atheist?

Yeah, well. This was boring, probably.

I recently told a friend that I am not psycho, just crazy.
I hope he knows I was joking.
Kind of.

yodle

2007-06-10T05:50:57Z

I feel like things became awkward.
Weird.
Uncomfortable.

heart flutters

2007-06-09T05:49:05Z

It is a beautiful Friday night,
and I am home, alone, thinking.
I went to Nordstroms for a bit.
I spent entirely too much money at the MAC counter.

I like it sometimes;
being home alone in the early evening.
It allows me to think.
However, right now, I wish I was someplace where I didn't have to think.

So, I've been having heart flutters.
I kind of flipped out, so I went to Kaiser.
Where I saw this guy I know and hung out with just a couple days before.
Haha, heart flutter.

The doctor said it is due to stress.
I am having heart palpitations.
I am feeling my adrenaline surge.
Awesome.
I'm Super Pam.

I only have these palpitations when I think about something that causes stress.
I learned from my Psychology classes that not all stress is bad.
it is just something that affects my body and mind.
Let's take a quick look at my stress, shall we?

Three different guys. Heart flutter.
Work.
Stalker. No joke. I didn't lump him in with the three guys. I don't want him near the other three, because those three are awesome.
Registering for classes.
Paying for classes.
Learning disability accommodations.
This whole heart flutter thing is stressful.
First painting gig thingy.

OH YEAH!
Uhh...first painting gig thingy.
My manager liked my newest painting so much (why? I don't know I think it sucks) that we wants me to paint some stuff for her house.
Yeah, pretty stoked about that.

I still have a lot to say, but I am going to wait for another entry. People are IMing me, and I want to go to Starbucks and play with my new make-up and what not.

and it is a different subject.

show me what it's like to be strung out

2007-06-03T11:02:05Z

Everything I know has just slipped away.
But I don't know a thing, so that's okay.

-Orisha

I feel...

hmm.

How do I feel?

I am in a limbo, between excited and depressed.

It feels a little like curiosity.
Coated with hope and intrigue.
With a bit of nervousness.
And just a drop of irritation.

Right now, as my fingers touch these keys, I feel:

Impressively unimpressive.

orange cones and caution tape

2007-06-01T11:43:27Z

Discussion tonight about relationships and coats.
Both of us mentioning orange cones and caution tape in regards to relationships.

On my way home, I started thinking about how guarded I'm being.
I have orange cones around me and my dress made of caution tape.
I am afraid. I'll admit it.

I have been trying to keep a certain distance, but I don't want to anymore.
I have been trying to push who I like, and have a little crush on, away so no one gets hurt.

Let me just state that I am not looking for an intense, some-one-will-have-a-broken-heart-sooner-or-later kind of relationship.
Not right now.
But if I meet some one and/or have a friendship that evolves into a relationship, that would be great.
But I need to make sure this person and I are on the same page, the same wave length, before a relationship is even taken into consideration.
No games. No disrespect. No major expectations.
I could go on for days with that list; weeks on the entire topic.

As I was driving home, I decided to get some things straight in my head.
Break it down, now.

One I like. Another I have a little crush on. The other is intrigue. The last is only a physical attraction.
Is that too many?

I am Captain Pamela Obvious, so I'm sure they know.
I will never say anything.

*hikes up caution tape dress.*

Maybe I shouldn't analyze every damn thing.
Maybe I should just set my cones back up.

Maybe I should just shut up and go to bed.
I shouldn't analyze a relationship that I am not ready for.

Pamela. Stop talking.

Ouch

2007-05-31T03:21:54Z

I was walking up the little steps in my house, and I was trying to avoid my dog. When she slipped, I missed a step. Missy is fine, but now I have a twisted / sprained ankle.

Yay.

for you, mister

2007-05-29T08:55:16Z

I have played Pokemon once. I think it was on a Gameboy.
I was convinced that Picachu was picking up donuts.
and farting.

But it was fun!
I would love to play it again.
Only real Pokemon.
With a little ball thing.
With a....thing inside of it.
To fight another thing.
And win the....thing.
Thing.
Thing.
I like to play with things.

ANYWAY!

Hey you. Yeah you. I know you know it's you.

blam.

pretty sure those are copywritten.
but fun to look at.

it is windy out.

I should write a haiku.

But not right now!

Suspense!

Only not really.

bloop

2007-05-29T08:41:18Z

I wish I could find my Star Wars Monopoly.
I want to start painting in black and white.
I think I am realizing that I actually have no talent.

I don't know which is worse:
not having talent
or
knowing I don't have talent.

But I've decided not to care!
If it makes me happy, then fuck everyone else.
But I am a bit of a perfectionist
so I think it gets in my way.

I had this little...thing...where I decided to donate most of my clothing.
I am angry with Goodwill for reselling my donation
at inflated prices
and then keep most of the profit
so I have donated (actually, will donate, I just realized the bags were in my car)
to the St. Vincent dePaul Society.

So, now I don't have many clothes.
But neither do homeless people.
They need my American Apparel more than I do.

And I'm upset because I wanted the charity for my work to be for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.
But everyone wanted the Humane Society.
So we did both.
So what box is sitting by our registers?
The Human Society.
"Aww, the poor little kittens," some one said today.
I thought: Aww, the poor little people who can only walk for the first couple years of their lives before their muscles start to turn to fat and then they are confined to a wheelchair and slowly and painfully their bodies deterriorate while their minds are still sharp as a tack and they know everything that is happening to them and they don't even have enough muscle to cough so they have to be beaten in the chest just to cough and then they can't even hold their heads up and they will never be able to have sex and then their speech gets slurred because their jaw muscles turn to fat and then their hearts turn to fat and besides it being a terrible thing for them, their families also suffer and then they don't usually live past eighteen. God, the poor kittens.

Wow. That made me feel a lot better.

Excited for tomorrow.

Hey, mister. I have TWO slivers in my hand.

huh

2007-05-21T09:25:12Z

Well.

I finally figured him out.

And I'm happy that I don't have to waste my time on him anymore.

Because he sucks the life out of me.

He exhausts me.

And I'm so glad to wash my hands of this.

No, yeah I get it.

2007-05-18T11:32:51Z

I've been put in check quite a bit lately.

I would like to think that it will keep me grounded...

but for right now, it kills the ego.

hmm

2007-05-17T19:11:39Z

The whole point of having a crush is knowing that you will be crushed.

Ouch.

I was talking to a friend about how I know that when I am infatuated with some one, I will not fall in love with them.
I think it's because when you're infatuated, you're blind. You are so amazed and wrapped up in that person that nothing they can do is wrong. And I've noticed, in my experience, that when you're blind you're missing red flags; obvious signs that try and tell you why this person is wrong for you. Wrong for me, this could be different for you. I'm just rambling on about myself. Ha.

I'm always infatuated with people who are so horribly wrong for me. Thank God I know that I could never love them.

Anyway, people say that true love is blind. I disagree. I think that when you truely love some one, you see things clearly, and can easily pick out every one of their flaws. You love this person deeply not in spite of their flaws, but because of them.

wish I knew

2007-05-16T11:19:06Z

I wish I knew what to say.

I feel as if my life is finally starting to come together, in a rather chaotic way.
Does that make sense?

I feel as if I am the epitome of a quarter-life crisis.
I feel as if I am constantly dreaming. My dreams are sometimes more vivid than my consciousness.
Although, lately, I've felt as if I am living in the moment. Time means nothing. I am right there, more awake and aware than I have ever been.
I feel as if I am growing up and developing a Peter Pan complex on the way.
Does that make sense?

I feel as if I am all over the board. Indecisive. Inconsistant. Incoherent...?
I feel as if nothing I ever do is right, and yet amazing.

Does that make sense?